Product Description
A former sex addict himself, Dr. Mark Laaser offers help and hope for regaining and maintaining sexual integrity, self-control, and wholesome, biblical sexuality. ... Read more

Customer Reviews (10)

An easy read to educate yourself about the building blocks of sexual addiction.
After discovering my husband's pornography addiction I read this book.If you want to understand what sexual addiction is all about, this is a must read.It is a straight forward education regarding the three building blocks of this addiction.You won't be able to read it all at once as some truths are hard to digest.After years of being lied to and manipulated, my eyes are now opened and I will always be grateful to the author of this book for getting this information out and offering hope to the hopeless.

healing
Excellent!It may not be the "end all" book, but it does help you begin to understand the addiction.In doing that, it helps the family help each other, hopefully.One of the best parts of the book is in the back.It tells of other sources of help, books, organizations, treatments centers and other things.It gives testimony to the fact that this addiction can be managed one day at a time and eventually you will have more good days behind you than bad days.It gave me hope for my son.

Excellent read
This book is an excellent read and brilliantly portrayed by a person who has had first hand experience in this area. It integrates knowledge from various aspects and neatly intertwine it to a complete whole and becomes more comprehensing.

Well written & informative
This was an incredibly informative book and was written with with compassion & professionalism. It was required reading for a counseling class and gave me the ability to be able to view sexual addictions from the view of the addict. I also enjoyed the reference to Christian morals and values with Biblical references.

The best resource I've read yet
This book is by far the best I've read on this subject.It doesn't dance around language or issues, but hits the subject head on with Biblical principles.I'd recommend this book (and have) to anyone suffering from sexual addiction. ... Read more

Product Description
This breakthrough work, the first to describe sexual addiction, is still the standard for recognizing and overcoming this destructive behavior. With insight and sensitivity, Dr. Patrick Carnes outlines how to identify a sexual addict, recognize the way others may unwittingly become complicit or codependent, and change the patterns that support the addiction. ... Read more

Customer Reviews (69)

Good secular approach, but not enough!
15 years removed from all the sex addiction (books, seminars, therapy, etc.) and reading this entire book numerous times I have come to realize that this book (among many others) still fall short of providing all the answers someone needs to recover from this addiction.

Dr. Carnes takes the modern psychological approach to addiction in that man is inherintly good and that man is a simply a product of his environment.This helps to relieve one's guilt but is scientifically and observably incorrect.It is also contrary to the prescription that these same modern pyschologists provide the addict: the option to choose to stop.Thus, Dr. Carnes leaves out the most important reason why some recover and some do not: their will and their deeper understanding of where the temptation arises and how exactly to hinder or completely stop it.

So, although this work was somewhat helpful it is completely lacking in its conclusion and helpful application.

Out of the Shadows
This book was recommended by our marriage counselor for my husband. He refused to read it.. but I did. Unfortunately, or fortunately.. we are now divorcing. This book helped me to see a pattern of behaviors that were presented by my husband. It offered a written understanding of his past and behaviors. He wasn't ready for/or is not capable of change for his own self. However, it allowed me an understanding and sense of worth that I knew I was not responsible for his actions. To delve into the psyche of another is empowering.

Very informitive
This book really was packed with information on a topic that is not really discussed much in our culture and yet is an extremely serious problem.I hope more people read this book so they understand the dynamics and cycles of addiciton.Until there is more unstandanding, this disorder will not be recognized as a true disease that has roots in family dsyfunction and trauma.

Out of the Shadows
This book gives you an important understanding about a type of addiction that isn't talked about very often but is very critical to understanding the addict.If you are looking into purchasing this book, then it's because you suspect there might be a friend or family member suffering from this disease/illness.The book gives you definitions, clarity, examples of real situations, possible causes, signs of the addiction, ways to help the addict or family members involved, and that there is hope for all involved.When you are living with an addict of this nature, you want to know that there is hope for change.This book helps you understand what you have to do to overcome this disease or help your friend or loved one overcome it.It lets you know you're not alone, that others share your pain and suffering, that this is a disease/illness, and that you can overcome this addiction.That is why I would recommend you read this book.

A GOOD READ.
This is a good read for those wanting to get a better understanding of why or how, someone can do something that we would consider sexually inappropriate, to say the least.It's also insightful for those that are co addict; living with someone how is an addict, whether that is to sex, drug, food, or anything else. ... Read more

Product Description
Sexual addiction is a problem that affects millions of people. Maureen Canning, LMFT, who has extensive experience treating sex addicts, explains its roots and how those afflicted can recover.

This book also explains the poisonous childhood seeds that lead to public scandals like the revelations involving former congressman Mark Foley.

Canning shows how compulsions are the product of early childhood abuse and how patterns, from the most violent to the most commonplace, develop. She explains that the overriding emotion sexually addicted people feel towards the partners with whom they seek intimacy is anger turned into sexuality, or "sexualized anger." This yields a false sense of security and power, an "aggressive tendency," which destroys any chance of a healthy relationship. Lust, Anger, Love offers a comprehensive and enlightening look at the origins of these little discussed behaviors and maps out a plan for recovery. ... Read more

Customer Reviews (4)

INFORMATIVE AND COMPASSIONATE
Wow.I finally understand why I am a sex addict.I was set up by a traumatic past.Maureen Canning does an excellent job of helping us understand this behavioral disorder.It is not everyone who can so empathetically draw the picture of what life as a sex addict is like.

As an addict herself, she is able to lend such palpable compassion to her patients.

This is a MUST READ for anyone interested in understanding and/or moving through the traumas that keep us stuck in destructive behaviors.

The Best Of It's Kind & More!
I've read several books on addiction, trauma etc.. I am a therapist with a specialty in trauma and this book is by far the best I've read.An excellent and easy to understand read for professionals and laypersons.This book also explains how growing up indysfunctional homes leads to low self-esteem, shame, anger, relationship issues, etc... which has been said 1,000 times, but her presentation is inspiring, fresh and very beneficial.This book is deep yet practical, which is extremely rare in books of this nature.Highly recommended!!!!

Sex Addictions Can Be Helped!
As a psychotherapist, who works with alcohol and drug addicted folks, as well as those addicted to gambling, shopping, food, and sex, this terrific book targets sex addiction.Written by a clinican, who is in recovery from sex addiction, this item is tackles tough issues!

Educational
This text provides insights into sexual compulsivity, from affairs to internet pornography and why this happens to some. Maureen incorporates the works of Pia Mellody and Patrick Carnes into her book. ... Read more

Product Description
Our world is awash in sex. We are bombarded with it everywhere we turn--TV, newspapers and magazines, music, movies and the Internet. When this ever-present temptation mixes with human weaknesses and unmet needs, many get pulled into addiction to sexually sinful behavior. They may detest their own habits, but they can't seem to break free. Is there any hope?Russell Willingham speaks from his own experience and that of the many he has counseled. His answer? "Yes! There is hope. Jesus offers forgiveness and healing."True stories show how the principles in this book can be put into action. The essentials are spelled out in practical steps that can help people begin to break free. Willingham deals with such issues as

* what all addicts have in common

* the hunt of the malnourished heart

* where to find the courage to face the dark side

* wrestling with shame and grace

* the healing effect of radical honesty This realistic yet hopeful book offers a new way to see the world for every person who wants to understand and break free from sexual addiction. Features & Benefits

* honest examination of sexual addiction

* shows how Jesus offers forgiveness and healing

* real-life stories of individuals who struggle

* twelve practical steps for recovery and accountability

* deals honestly with pornography, fantasies, masturbation, adultery, prostitution, molestation, abuse and more ... Read more

Customer Reviews (17)

One of the better resources I've reviewed on sexual addiction
I have read probably 5 books on sexual addiction. This one was very helpful. It breaks it down into a variety of needs that the addict attempts to meet through acting out, and it provides good help for parenting (and helping children avoid the same pitfall). It does not emphasize marriage, but does say that addicts may/may not be able to continue a marriage relationship, due to their personal struggles.

It also deals with divine healing, as well as the steps each addict must take to become whole. And it suggests ways a spouse can help. A good read!

Everybody needs this book!
This is a great book! Everybody should read this to really connect with God in a big way. It's also a great tool to use with a small class. Thanks

An excellent read
A great book that gets right to the issues at hand.I would recommend it to anyone I know, even if they are not directly affected by sexual addiction.

The title says it all
This book brings incredible perspective and hope to those that struggle with sexual sin.It has completely opened my eyes to new ways of looking at addiction.Breaking Free does not simply tell you how to stop, it teaches you why the problem exists in the first place.I would not recommend this however to atheists or those who find it uncomfortable to put their faith in God.For Christians however, this book is an amazing tool for those who are sexually broken and those who are married to men struggling with sexual addiction.

Breaking Free: Understanding Sexual Addiction & the Healing Power of Jesus
Great Book!!!
I Would recommend it to anyone who deals with sexual addiction!
Read it with your spouse and get more out of it and revitalize your marriage.
If u want to overcome sexual addiction this is the book!
I've read it 3x's,its an awesome book!! ... Read more

Product Description
Written from firsthand experience, this amazingly open book offers hope and healing for women who have been hurt by their husband's sexual addiction. ... Read more

Customer Reviews (18)

Insightful...
Helpful to understanding how husbands could enter into sexual sins, bringing hope & strength on how to get up, move on & upward with God through the examples of wives who moved forward with God's help.

There is Hope!
I purchased this book for a friend who is in Sexaholics Anonymous.He has had many of the issues discussed in the book and he finds it to be very helpful.To anyone out there who is married and with a sex/lust addiction this book is most helpful.

Hard truths, but points toware Truth nonetheless
Excellent resource. I appreciated the last chapter, which was written by Meg's husband. Solid advice and points to the ultimate Healer of all these sorts of situations. I wholeheartedly wish I'd never had to read it, but I'd definitely recommend it to other women who find themselves in this situation.

didn't really do it for me.
this talked too much about god.yes, i believe in god, but i needed more facts and knowledge about the sexual addiction for me to understand what i am dealing with.

Great book
I have read dozens of books on sexual addiction. This one had brought me the most comfort and hope.
If you have been devasted by this addiction, this is the book for you. It has been the only book that has articulated the emotions that I have experienced. I felt devastated, hopeless, and lost. This book offered insights that helped me to move forward.
While this book does examine the problem from a Christian perspective, it is not preachy or shallow. The author identifies with your pain and does not seek to minimize it.
It will be a book you will read several times! You will find hope. ... Read more

Product Description
"Dr. Patrick Carnes is a creative,pioneering, and courageous human being. His books arechanging the lives ofthousands!"

"I lost three marriages, all because of affairs.""I became suicidal because of multiple intenseinvolvements."

"I spent money on sex when Ineeded it for children's clothes."

"Ilost promotion opportunities and a specialscholarship because my co-workers found out about my sexlife."

Every day they face the possibility ofdestruction, risking their families, fiances,jobs, dignity, and health. They come from all walksof life: ministers, physicians, therapists,politicians, executives, blue-collar workers. Most wereabused as children--sexually, physically oremotionally--and saw addictive behavior in their earlylives. Most grapple with other addictions as well,but their fiercest battle is with the mostastounding prevalent "secret" disorder inAmerica: sexual addiction. Here is a ground-breakingwork by the nation's leading professional expert onsexual addiction, based on the candid testimony ofmore than one thousand recovering sexual addictsin the first major scientific study of thedisorder. This essential volume includes not only therevealing findings of Dr. Carne's research withrecovering addicts but also advice from the addicts andco-addicts themselves as they work to overcometheir compulsive behavior. Positive, hopeful, andpractical, Don't Call It Love isa landmark book that helps us better understandall addictions, their causes, and the difficult pathto recovery. ... Read more

Customer Reviews (19)

Nice!
The continued education and search for additional information is imperative to addiction.
Aaron Bryant: CSAC, BSWAuthor A Synchronous Memoir of Addiction and Recovery

I don't need any more books.
After reading several books about sexual addiction to help me heal and to save our marriage, I found this book.It was so helpful that I saw a light at the end of the long and dark tunnel.It is very realistic, blunt, but caring.A lot of other talks so much about god which didn't really help for me.i do believe in god, don't get me wrong.but for some reason, i needed more facts and knowledge of this awful sickness more than trying to grab something you don't understand.my husband and i read it together and we are working towards our true happiness again.thank you!

Most helpful book on sex addiction and recovery so far... albeit really dumb title
As the wife of a recovering sex addict this book has been immensity helpful.Although it may be dated (and what's up with the title?) it is the best I've read so far (and I ordered about 20 books on the subject) because it deals with the underlying reasons why an addict "acts out" and the causes and faulty belief patterns of the addict.This helps one to understand the shame cycle and how it developed through a rigid and disengaged family life and how the addict uses a quick fix to fill the void, escape, self medicate for the pain caused by low self esteem and high desire for acceptance.This will help recovering sex addicts, porn addicts and their families through the recovery process.

a masterpiece
this book is a masterpeice for the 12-step program. Even though it is not listed as an " official" SLAA literature, it's been helping many addicts and will help many more. Strongly recommended!

Don't Call It Love
Excellent book.I felt so alone and didn't know where to turn.This book helped me see that others are stuggling with the same behaviors that I am.Behaviors that may have endagered my life, but that I am at least able to stop now.Hopefully I'll live through this and become a better person.The person that I believe God wants me to be. ... Read more

Product Description
Explore the connection between sexual victimization, addiction, and compulsive behaviors!

This book demonstrates clearly what lengths survivors of sexual abuse will go to in attempting to avoid dealing with the pain resulting from their sexual abuse. Anyone who has been sexually abused is likely to have one of the addictions or compulsive behaviors described herein. The information in Recovering from Sexual Abuse, Addictions, and Compulsive Behaviors regarding codependency is especially useful to survivors of sexual abuse who now find themselves in abusive relationships.

Survivors of abuse who have gone without treatment sometimes become either sexual perpetrators or sexual addicts and may experience many different types of psychological dysfunction. Recovering from Sexual Abuse, Addictions, and Compulsive Behaviors examines issues that survivors often have regarding:

• trust and friendship
• sexuality and sexual addiction
• marriage and family
• religious addiction as opposed to spirituality
• alcohol and substance abuse
• workaholism
• weight issues and eating disorders
• violence as the result of shame, fear, and depression caused by abuse

Customer Reviews (5)

Most helpful book I've read
This is a very insightful book which I fully intend to read again and keep as a reference. This book is for those abused who are ready to explore the inner needs which drive us to utilize useless and/or harmful coping mechanisms without knowing why.It is also for those who love us and need to develop patience through understanding. Having been the recipient of physical, emotional, & verbal abuse for much of my life, initially from the very people who were supposed to love & nurture me (and later from the broken record of their hateful words in my head), it was very interesting to see myself in each and every chapter. I saw my withdrawn & untrusting nature within these pages.I can better understand now my tendency to alternate between long periods of "numbness", when no one can penetrate my thick emotional armor, and those unwelcome periods of extreme emotional fragility when I must retreat to my "cave" in order to survive the pain. It gives me strength to understand that my reactions are normal given what I have been through.Also, through her apt descriptions of addictions and compulsions, which I had never thought applied to me, I better understand now my compulsive bird/mouse-like behavior of actively seeking and collecting "pretty/shiny things" as if they will somehow fill or repair the empty holes in my life. They don't. They only put holes in my bank account and clutter up my home. While reading her book, I found it helpful to replace "sexual abuse" with "abuse" in general, as the majority of the abuse I experienced was not sexual in nature (though not completely void of it).In doing so, I found that the majority of her insights clearly apply to my experiences, too. I imagine there are many others who would benefit from reading this book, as long as they don't give in to the easy temptation to say, "This book is not for me as I wasn't sexually abused."All labels aside, abuse is abuse, and rare is the adult who doesn't still have a little child inside who is hurting.

Recovering from Sexual Abuse, Addictions, and Compulsive Behaviors: "Numb" Survivors
This book opened the door for a patient in therapy to feel and understand how childhood abuse affected her. She has suffered from prescription drug abuse and alcoholism most of her life. She was particularily able to connect with the "Numb" aspect of her illness.

A comprehensive resource for connecting compulsive behavior to abuse
As a survivor of abuse as a very young child, it was very difficult for me to connect my own destructive, compulsive behavior to abuse.By researching the stories of many other survivors in this book I've been able to piece together what most likely happened.Survivors should be prepared for some potentially triggering content while reading, but it's still a good resource.Topics from eating disorders to alcohol and drugs are covered, and I'm starting to "get it" that all escape behaviors can be tied to childhood abuse, neglect, or shame of some kind.

The three-star rating would have been more if the content were not so triggering, and because my own recovery draws more from authors such as Patrick Carnes and John Bradshaw.Yet, for prepared survivors, and perhaps even more so for therapists, this is a good book to understand the wide variety of negative repercussions which result from abuse.

Excellent!
This book was the first one I found which discussed the affects of child sexual abuse it has on us as adults.This was an excellent book in making me understand better why I do what I do and joining the dots for me.

AMAZING TRUTHS ABOUT ADDICTION OF ANY KIND
THIS BOOK IS JUST AMAZING IN THE PRESENTATION.I LOVE THE WAY SHE DESCRIBES AND RELATES ALL ADDICTIONS, NOT JUST SEXUAL ABUSE.I WILL DEFINATELY USE IT AS A REFERENCE BOOK IN MY ENDEVORS.IT IS WRITTEN IN "LAYMAN'S TERMS" - SO ANYONE COULD UNDERSTAND THE TEXT.BRAVO! ... Read more

Product Description
In this book Marnie C. Ferree offers a unique resource for women struggling with sexual addiction. Taking her book's title from the parable where Jesus extends grace to the woman caught in adultery, Ferree bravely shares her own story of sexual addiction, recalling her years of shame from living a double life and the moment when she ultimately had to tell the truth. But more than just offering her story as a hopeful example of God's transforming power, Ferree distills her clinical expertise on female sexual addiction accessibly and gently, providing a much-needed resource for women struggling with any degree of relational or sexual addiction. Ferree details the roots of addiction in family trauma and offers clear-eyed advice as both a counselor and a "grateful recovering sex addict" on how to achieve sobriety and healing.Written by a counselor who understands the condition from the inside out, No Stones offers practical help for those battling sexual addiction. It also includes a specific chapter for anyone in close relationship with an addict, whether a spouse, family member, or friend, who wants to come alongside women as they seek help. Important for pastors and church leaders, this book will also be a much sought-after resource for Christian counselors and therapists counseling women who grapple with this type of addiction. ... Read more

Customer Reviews (4)

No Stones Rocks!
I admit it, I was afraid to buy this book.

I saw it on the shelf at the Christian book store, and I just couldn't believe my eyes. A book about sexual addiction? For women? At the Christian book store? And then I saw the author photo, and I knew.... I. Must. Buy. This. Book. If for no other reason than to make a statement.

I carried around for an hour. What would the clerk say? What would the clerk THINK? Why did I care?

I bought it.

This is a fabulous book. It's engagingly written and I could hardly put it down. As soon as I finished it the first time (in less than twenty-four hours), I started right back in for a second. It has just the right mix of clinical information, case studies, and anecdotes, backed up with solid, non-judgmental, factual information on not only identifying sexual addictions, but recovering from them. I, frankly, was totally astonished at the number of women who suffer from sexual addictions, and you'd never guess the kinds of women they are. Believe me when I say it could easily be the woman sitting next to you at your Bible study. Even though the author is definitely a Christian, this book could be read by anyone.

There is also a chapter for Husbands or other family members and clinicians.

Even if you don't need this book, read it. There is going to be someone in your life, at some point, who you know will need it. Then, instead of throwing stones, you can give her this book.

(This is a duplicate review of the one I published on LibraryThing.com)

Recovery Manual at my Church
My church uses this book as the female sexual addiction recovery resource.Several resources were considered, and this one was selected for that ministry.

Very very HELPFUL!!
This is one of the best books I've read on sex addictions. Was helpful from a clinical and Christian perspective. Was not persecuting at all. I felt understood especially coming from an author who was a sex addict herself.

Have recommended this book for years
In 2002 I got one of the first copies of this excellent book and have been recommending it ever since.I'm so glad to see an updated and expanded edition.So much has been learned about sex and love addiction in recent years, and Marnie Ferree is one of the leading female pioneers in this field.For those who have tearfully asked themselves over and over on the morning after, "What's wrong with me??Why do I keep doing this?", this book will provide such clarity that they'll not be able to put it down.There's an old saying that fifty-percent of the battle is simply knowing where the battle lies.Ferree powerfully reveals where the battles of sex and love addiction lie and provides a battle plan for victory over them.I highly recommend this book.

~Christopher McCluskey, author of When Two Become OneWhen Two Become One: Enhancing Sexual Intimacy in Marriage ... Read more

Product Description
WHY ARE SEXUAL TEMPTATIONS SO HARD TO RESIST WHEN THE PRICE IS SO HIGH?

We all long for true intimacy.Many people seek to fill that void by seeking sexual relationships-whether real or fantasized-that promise to provide the relief, acceptance, and fulfillment for which they long.But it is false intimacy. And as Dr. Harry Schaumburg points out, "Sexual intimacy can't relieve their deep, unmet longings."

False Intimacy goes beyond behavioral symptoms and willpower-based solutions to provide biblical guideposts for the journey to restoration.With frank honesty, False Intimacy examines the roots behind these kinds of behaviors and offers realistic direction to those whose lives or ministries have been impacted by sexual addiction.

"The finest work available for all who struggle with their sexuality or want to understand and help those who do."-Dr. Dan B. Allender, author of The Wounded Heart

"More people than we know battle against compelling sexual desires.Dr. Schaumburg thinks through the realities of the battle and offers a biblical perspective with wisdom, clarity, and compassion."-Dr. Larry Crabb, teacher, counselor, author of Inside Out

"This is the best Christian book on sexual addiction I've ever read.Schaumburg goes far deeper than the surface symptoms to expose core issues of this common problem."-Bob Davies, executive director, Exodus InternationalTABLE OF CONTENTS: Chapter 1: What Is Sexual Addiction?Chapter 2: Sexually Addictive BehaviorsChapter 3: What Causes Sexual Addiction?Chapter 4: Hope for Those Who Are Sexually AddictedChapter 5: Responding to Your Sexually Addicted SpouseChapter 6: The Recovering MarriageChapter 7: Women and False IntimacyChapter 8: Preventing Sexual Addiction in Your ChildrenChapter 9: Sexual Addiction in the ChurchChapter 10: The Church as a Healing CommunityChapter 11: Healing for Christian LeadersAppendix A: Indicators of Childhood Sexual AbuseAppendix B: Ministry Resources ... Read more

Customer Reviews (30)

In depth biblical analysis
Schaumburg makes it clear that we all have choices.He gives hope to those who are longing for TRUE intimacy.This book goes much deeper than some of the other books out there that deal with this issue.If you are looking for answers this book will point you in the right direction.

This book was very helpful in understanding a subject most professionals do not want to discuss.
This book had similar information about sexual addiction as "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes but with scripture to back it. Sexual addiction is one of the best kept secrets in our churches (and in professional lives) its about time therapist start researching it and talking about it. I belong to a mega church and when I went to the church counselor about my husbands problem he wasn't even familiar with this book, he said "we send out the big problems to the therapist". How sad and how long is the church going to stick its head in the sand and act like this problem doesn't exist in our fellowships? This is the reason so many people suffer (addicts and their spouses) because clergy, doctors, and counselors are choosing to stay ignorant on this rapidly growing addiction. I applaud Dr. Schaumburg for his research and honesty in the help of understanding this baffling (disease,sin,addiction....)and how it is destroying our marriages. There is hope, my husband is proof of that and this book helped both of us understand and seek out professional help with specialized SA therapy.

What a blessing!
We went through counceling and used this book. What a blessing this book was to us. This is not only for the spouse who is struggling with Sexual Addiction but also for the spouse who is trying to understand what is going on with their spouse. It answers questions and it allows you to have a open conversation with your spouse. This book along with the upcoming book Undefiled is a blessing from God.
Also most important is the bible which gives us hope that through God we can get through this and He can help us. This book is a form of help.

False Intimacy
This is a book, not only for those who have a sexual addiction, but any addiction. It should be compulsory reading for every young person, especially in our culturally-sex-crazed society.

Treatments.
Key strategy/ work to FINISH THINGS! Addicts do not finish things,ENDING THINGS (what things?) adds substantially to recovery. They prefer to "keep options open." Thrives in unfinished business. Starting more than you can finish leads to CRISIS. Addicts avoid completing their conversations; Important feelings and facts are not communicated. Conflict not resolved. PAIN ACCUMULATES. Increase PAIN AND COST TO STOP. Childhood needed something(the addict) didn't receive- trust, security, safety, non-sexual affection, both parents together. Normalcy. (Need trust mot to worry, to simply live life normally) RESPONSIBILITY TO THOSE YOU HAVE HURT. NEGATIVE EMOTIONS ARE TRANSFERRED TO CHILDREN. Addictive sex feels shameful, illicit, stolen, exploitive, and joyless. Healthy sex = adds to self-esteem, is mutual, intimate, fun, and playful. Fighting (disagreeing)= act of trust- focus on issues. - Give outcome to God. Horniness = loneliness. When in doubt, don't have sex. Secrets will separate you from others in recovery. Get a pet to have healthy touching needs met. Avoid the feeling that you are a victim (having control over your body, thoughts, opinions, and feelings that you Think someone in authority wouldn't approve of you having. You have to answer only to yourself. Be gentle w/ yourself about old tortuous conflicts. They are not about you! They never were! You are safe with your thoughts. They are yours. Recovery = burst of creativity, brings awareness of abuse. NURTURING- Learning how to care for themselves and to allow others to care for them IS an essential RECOVERY TASK. Intimacy= shared enjoyable experiences! FIDELITY TO YOURSELF is the ultimate act of faithfulness to the other. Trust yourself. It's as hard for your partner as it is for you! Admit mistakes. Share Spirituality. Have fun together= common experiences. Sustain from sex w/o intimacy. Talk before, during, and after sex. Compliment your partner. Respect boundaries. Pay attention to feelings. See Sex as a legitimate joy! Take care of your body. Express attraction. Work on friendship and companionship. Fast-forward the realtionship. ... Read more

Product Description
Second Edition ... Read more

Customer Reviews (9)

Older version
Purchased this book and one I thought was the text to go along with workbook.Turns out, this one is just the older version, there is no separate workbook. Wish I would have known. Am sending it back, or will look to sell to used book store.

Must Have
This is the book you must read if you are facing this addiction or know someone who is. Sexual addiction is no joke, it ruins many lives. This book will help in understanding what is happening to the addict.

Very satisfied
This book is informative and comprehensive.I especially appreciated the various tools given to increase awareness.

Help for sexual addiction
It is becoming increasingly important for counsellors and psychotherapists to educate themselves about the issue of Sexual Addiction, which can be defined as out-of-control and damaging sexual behaviour in relation to Internet sex, prostitution, telephone sex, multiple affairs etc. Modern society provides a huge range of options for artificially enhanced, relatively impersonal sexual stimulation, and in our counselling practices we are more frequently meeting clients who may be addicted in some of these areas.

I recommend this new 2nd edition of Carnes' book as an introduction to the subject. Carnes has been the field leader in Sexual Addiction counselling since publishing "Out of the Shadows" in 1983, and the present book accessibly summarises his thinking about the problem, along with approaches for helping those who may be struggling with it. The main addition since the 1st edition is a more detailed exploration of the growing phenomenon of Cybersex (Internet sex) addiction.

Having been involved in the development of addiction treatment/recovery in the USA for many years, Carnes' thinking is a blend of influences taken from 12-Step programmes such as Alcoholics Anonymous and Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous, from Cognitive-Behavioural techniques such as written inventories and challenging core beliefs, and from relevant neurobiological findings. He has a deep understanding of the nature of Addictive Behaviours over and above the familiar example of Chemical Dependency, and his key contribution to the field may be his description of the Sexual Addiction Cycle, where Preoccupation leads to Ritualisation, which leads to addictive Acting Out behaviours; the Pain arising from this acting out can then be numbed by further Preoccupation, which closes the self-perpetuating cycle.

Carnes is also known for his Tasks approach to recovery. In this book he focuses on what he sees as the first 7 recovery tasks:

1. Breaking through denial
2. Understanding addiction
3. Surrendering to the process
4. Limiting damage
5. Establishing sobriety
6. Ensuring physical integrity
7. Participating in a culture of support

In earlier books he included Reducing Shame, which he now leaves until the second phase of recovery. My own experience, and those of many other therapists working with the Centre for Sexual Addictions, is that it is important to address the issue of shame and self-hatred at an early stage. Clients may see themselves and their sexuality in a very negative light, perhaps partly due to the negativity towards sexuality which has been a part of Irish culture, and may be in danger of trying to force themselves into the opposite extreme of complete avoidance and denial of sexuality (Carnes is alert to this danger, calling it Sexual Anorexia, and he has written an important book on the subject, entitled "Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Sexual Self-Hatred").


Perhaps the main strength of this book is that it can be useful to both therapist and client alike, and while I have never worked through the whole book with any client, we can together make productive use of some of the handouts/exercises/inventories (for instance, the Consequences Inventory).


Eoin Stephens is Director of Education & Training at PCI College, and at the Centre for Sexual Addictions (www.csa-addictions.ie), a division of the Institute for Behavioural & Mental Health (www.ibmh.info).

Amazing
This author (Patrick Carnes) is the most knowledgable person on the topic of Sexual Addiction.This book is good for people who like to have a workbook.There are a lot of quizzes and journaling places, so you can really get to the bottom of your problems.If you are not going to want to journal or take quizzes in the book, I would reccommend some of his other books.I hear great things about his original "facing the shadow" book.I kind of wish I had bought that one actually. ... Read more

Product Description


Discover the Light that Will Lead You Out of Your Most Shameful Sins

It's destroying the lives of an astounding number of Christian men - and women. Yet most of us are afraid to talk about it. It's pornography. And if it's invaded your life or the life of a loved one, you can't afford to put this book down.

Secret Sexual Sins tackles the problem of pornography addiction from a Christian perspective. Completely non-judgmental and biblically based, this accessible and comforting book breaks new ground in pornography addiction management by combining proven treatment techniques with scripture. And it does so with a personal standpoint that's instantly relatable. You'll learn:

• Why good men (and women) succumb to the allure of pornography - even when they know better

• What the Bible really says about self-pleasure - and its consequences

• The most important warning signs of a pornography addict

• How to draw upon the strength of the Lord to beat back the urge

• Recommendations for wives - what's a woman to do?

• The truth about homosexuality and lesbianism

Whether you're a man struggling with an Internet porn addiction, a woman who has fallen into pornography, Secret Sexual Sins has the answers from the highest authority - God Himself.

You can recover from this debilitating sin.

Let Pastor Fred C. Rochester show you how!



... Read more

Product Description
written by the national leader on the problem of sexual addiction, contrary to love provides professionals with a resource for understanding and helping sexual addicts.subjects outlined include stages and progression of the illness, family structures, boundaries, assessment, and intervention. ... Read more

Customer Reviews (5)

Very informative
This book is very thorough in its explanation of sex addiction. As the spouse of a sex addict, I found it very comforting to understand the why and how of the addiction. During my dark hours when I was feeling hurt, rejected and making the addiction about me it was so healing to read this clinical analysis to create some distance and offer me some perspective. I really liked how he explained the benefits of the 12 step program and how effective it is in treatment. He brings a poetry and spirituality to the program that I think you don't find in most literature. He really explains from beginning to end the cycle of addiction, the role of the co-addict and what is required for long term addiction recovery. This truly is a must read for addicts and anyone touched by the disease of sex addiction.

Only purchase if you are a mental health professional
This book is not written for the lay person dealing with this issue, but rather for the mental health professional.The "evaluation" pages are helpful but that was about it.I highly recommend, "Out of the Shadows".

An excellent and thorough treatment of sexual addiction
This is a very comprehensive book on the mechanisms of sexual addiction.It is direct and thorough, with lots of detail on the dynamics of this disorder and the does a good job of describing the disorder at the individual and systems levels.

I agree with the reviews below that this particular book might be a bit much for someone who is caught in the midst of early recovery sexual addiction and the attendant self deception that accompanies it.However, for someone well into recovery it offers much in terms of understanding this disorder at a deeper level.

This is a very good book for therapists considering different approaches to treating sexual addiction.Patrick Carnes is not shy about presenting his point of view and he is certainly an authority in this field.

I have also read Out of the Shadows by the same author and preferred this for my purposes in understanding sexual addiction.However, I think the two books speak to different audiences and both have value.Out of the Shadows is more appropriate for a sexual addict in recovery or for people trying to get a general understanding of sexual addiction.

My favorite book on this topic is Women, Sex and Addiction by Kasl.Her focus is on women, but there is a lot of good general information, case studies and explanations.However, it lacks the rigorous treatment of the disorder from a systems approach as well as the various treatment options.It does, however, include spiritual aspects of the problem and presents the topic in a very compassionate way.It also includes a lot of good information on sexual codependence

Far more than meets the eye
For me it would have been more difficult to appreciate this book had I not read "Out of the Shadows." I had purchased these books over ten years ago but only read them within the past few months. One of the great values of Carnes approach is his no wholes barred, stratight on approach to addiction and the role that sexual addiction plays. There is nothing wishy-washy in his approach to the dilemma, nor is there anything apologetic about his criticisms (i.e. limitations) of AA and common theraputic practices. To me he is entirely convincing which speaks for his clear understanding of addiction that adds for the breakdown of social or societal illusions and delusions. I just wish he took more seriously what he refers to as stage one addictions to which he does concede some degree of (to me mostly unjustifiable) normalcy and acceptance based on social norms. Aside from that, it is simply an outstanding book.

One of the best books in this field!
The title of this book reveals the premise that Patrick Carnes presents. He tells us that the behaviors of sexual addicts are not actions of love, but of abnormal, compulsive rituals performed in a desparate attempt toself-treat the feelings of despair and anger that has become the fabric ofthe addict's life. This book is not an introductory volume, it is quitethorough and detailed. The author outlines six phases of sex addiction aswell as explaining three levels of behavior. He points out that thedifferent levels of behavior are not necessarily progressive, but thephases of addiction ARE.While this book is designed specifically forthose who are care-givers for the sexually addicted, it also gives comfortand insight to the co-addict or codependent involved with the addict. Thethoroughness and detail that he writes with may actually be beyond the easycomprehension of many addicts themselves, due to their cloudy comprehensionand frequent separations from reality, but I would recommend this book as achallenge and as an invaluable tool for breaking the chains of sexualaddiction. ... Read more

Product Description
Now a Lifetime Television original movieairing April 2008 with SallyPressman, star of ArmyWives.In this powerful memoir, a woman learns to value herself—as a whole person ratherthan as a sexual object. Sue William Silverman tells ofher roller-coaster life of sex andself-destructive behavior. Finally,addicted todanger itself, sheseeks the help of a trustedtherapist to discover what love really means. ... Read more

Customer Reviews (28)

Psychological Issues
The setting for this story is mainly the 28 days the author spent in a treatment center for people with addictive behaviors.She talks about what went on in this center plus other experiences that happened before and after.

From the age of four until she went away to college the author was sexually molested by her father.The human mind can only take so much and not surprisingly these experiences had severe psychological consequences for her.She doesn't say exactly what happened during those years.It sounds like her other book provides those gut wrenching details.

When she went away to college and as an adult the consequences of this abuse caused complicated psychological issues that manifested as so called 'sexual addiction'.You would need some understanding of psychology to understand the cause and effect relationships for all of this which I don't have.Her therapist sort of explains it on page 225.

She seemed to feel a terrible sense of abandonment from both her mother and older sister.I get the impression that they knew what was happening or at least didn't really want to know.As a result the book gives some glimpses of someone who suffered in silence and felt there was nobody around to help or understand her which was true.That evil man burdened his daughter with a terrible secret and heavy cross to carry through the rest of her life.

There are two strange incidents in the book where her life was put in danger but her reaction was not normal.A burglar came into her apartment and she just stood there staring at the guy as if she was the intruder.Years later two muggers pulled a knife and were trying to abduct her but all she was concerned about was being late to meet her married boyfriend and give him a Christmas present.It seemed like even the muggers were confused by her reaction (or lack thereof).These incidents show how her entire view of life was mixed up.

She lead a double, secret life and seemed to only be interested in having sex with people who did not care about her as a person and were in many cases total strangers.For example she was interested in her future husband when she was married to someone else and he was the other man.As soon as they got married their relationship became non existent and she was only interested in finding more strangers.

All of this was the by products of the child abuse but I don't totally understand why it manifested in this way.

There was a little bit too much artistic language for me plus some strange statements about how Jeffrey Dahmer was searching for love when he cut people up and ate them.

This isn't a bad book if you want to learn about how someone's mind can snap as a result of severe mistreatment and their effort to deal with the consequences and become normal again.

Jeff Marzano

Ordeal

Sybil

Loose Girl: A Memoir of Promiscuity

JonBenet : Inside the Ramsey Murder Investigation

Irreversible

Damage

Possession

sex is not how to find love
This book described me and my life.If you have suffered incest, rape, divorced parents or dysfunctional family patterning that set you on a path in search of that "love high" then this book is for you.

If you have ever applied the term "looking for love in all the wrong places" to yourself and you have had sex with many "wrong" people in order to be loved (if only for a few hours) then you will find yourself described on every page of this painfully honest, brilliantly written and enlightening book.

Thank you Sue for writing about an addiction that is more about love than sex and is as powerful and destructive as any other. An addiction that is, when rarely spoken about, completely misunderstood.

Awesome
This is a very important topic substance abuse concerns permeate all facets of our society. Hearing the courageous stories of people's struggle with addiction helps to bring strength to all of us.
Aaron Bryant: BSW,CSACAuthor A Synchronous Memoir of Addiction and Recovery

Love Sick:One Woman's Journey trough Sexual Addiction

WHEN IN DOUBT ABOUT WHO YOU ARE,READ IT. YOU WILL GET THE ANSWER.I DID!

Love sick
Shipping was fast but the book was in pretty bad shape. There was writting inside throught most of the book which tended to be distracting and disapointing. The cover had multiple stains on it which looked pretty gross to touch. Overall was very unhappy with my purchase. ... Read more

Product Description
Love, Infidelity and Sexual Addiction is an honest sharing of a trust betrayed.It chronicles the author's personal experiences with a sexually addicted spouse as well as stories of others in various stages of recovery from coaddiction.This book offers hope and healing to those who have suffered from repeated betrayal. It details a system of spiritual and emotional self-help including chapters defining Sexual Addiction and Coaddiction, The Shame-based Family and The Spiritually Centered Family, Signs of Obsession, Compulsive Behavior, Finding Self, The Solution, A Healthy Relationship, and Forgiveness.

Customer Reviews (10)

Love, Infidelity, & Sexual Addiction
After reading this book I was very very disappointed. I liked it at first. Then it said I the coaddict was as bad or worse than the sex addict. I find that to be very disturbing.

Good, but narrowly focused
When I first received this book and saw the truly awful graphics on the cover, I began questioning my judgement in ordering it. It looks like something that was produced prior to the computer age.

Then I started reading and was, initially, pleasantly surprised. It was well-written and the information was much more research-based than what I had feared finding. But as I kept reading, I realized that this book is not for all codependents of sex addicts.

The book is specifically (and, ultimately, only) for those whose partners are: (1) addicted to the emotional aspects of their affairs, (2) unwilling to admit they have a sex addiction, and (3) exceedingly manipulative.

For those in that situation, I think this book would be great. But for those of us with a different set of circumstances... not so much.

"Through good times and bad.... till death do us part"
It's written for those who are the spouse of an addict (referred to as co-addicts).While reading the book, I was bothered that the author kept generalizing that co-addicts have a low self esteem and therefore keep going back to the addict, even after they've been hurt over and over.They cling to people that are bad to them for fear of no one else loving them.

Tried to see how that applied to me, but couldn't.Figured I'm in denial or just not understanding something correctly.


After finishing the book, I realized that at no point did the author recognize that maybe, just maybe, the co-addict keeps going back - or trying to make things work - because one day they (I) stood in front of God and everyone and said, "till death do us part", and meant it.The author constantly refers to needing a healthy relationship with God and yet completely missed the mark on the wedding vows.

It's understood that everyone needs to process the information in regards to their specific situation, but something about this book really bothered me and I couldn't quite put my finger on it.The revelation came when I realized the author's perspective; acknowledging the need for God, but not recognizing a commitment to God through marriage vows.

Having said that, the book is also packed with insightful information about self, and self-healing. I have taken away many things that I CAN apply, and for that, I'm very appreciative.

Excellant book
This is a wonderful, hopeful book for those living with someone with sexual addiction. It helped me understand it's not my fault. Explains behaviors and why they occur. The book got me through a really rough period in my life. Would recommend it to anyone who has sexual addiction in their relationship.

A needed book for codependents
The author provides very valuable information about sex addicts and about codependents.Her personal story gives readers a chance to be cautious if they are faced with a relationship with a sex addict.She gives complete descriptions of codependent behavior.What I liked best was the spiritual touch of the book.She emphasizes the importance of having a relationship with God and using prayer to stay on the right track.If you are involved inrelatinship with a sex addict, or if you know someone who is, this book is helpful.Although the author's relationship with the sex addict ended, she doesn't believe it has to be that way. ... Read more

Product Description
Depression is a secret pain at the core of many men's lives, and one that goes largely undiagnosed and untreated. The consequences of not treating male depression are extremely serious.Studies show that suicide is more common in men than women, and tha the male suicide rate is three times higher at midlife than at any other life stage. In Unmasking Male Depression, Dr. Archibald Hart explores the many forms of depression and gives tools for coping with and healing depression in men. Hart also examines the lives of Christian leaders who struggled with depression, such as Charles Spurgeon, Martin Luther, and John Calvin, to reveal the myths surrounding this illness ... Read more

Customer Reviews (18)

Unmasking Male Depression
I ordered this book, because I am married to someone who struggles with depression. I found this book to be very informative, as the symptoms and underlying causes of male depression are very different from women who struggle with depression. I haven't yet finished the book, but have been very happy so far with the purchase.

The Best Male resource on depression I ever read
There are many resources about depression. Unfortunately, most, if not all, are geared toward women. This targets men as the subject of the book. It's written in a no nonsense style that's easy to read and I couldn't put it down easily until it was finished. I highly recommend it to anyone...depressed or not!!

Unmasking Male Depression
This may very well be a good book for every male to read, except those who are happy, content, and never have anything in life disrupt those attributes.:)It may also be instructional for every woman married to one of those men.

This is an easy read, and although it has scriptural underpinnings, it should not by discounted by those with agnostic or atheistic beliefs.It is easily palatable to those with and without religion as part of their lives.

I highly recommend it!

Evangelical
Dr. Hart is an Evangelical minister, he says so in the forward, there are entire sections of the book you can skip if you are not Christian (Depressed males in the bible, and was Jesus emotional), but there's better information than in "I don't want to talk about it". There's real tratment options and sypmtomology, things your doctor should be looking for. It doesn't quite make suggestions for what questions you should ask your therapist, or psychiatrist, (Depression Fallout DOES do that though!)
Now it was published in 2001, there are new Anti-depresseants out now that aren't mentioned, new treatments that weren't being used yet when it was initially published. It'd be great if Dr. Hart could update it and republish it without the religious claptrap, or do two versions, one for the Xian male and the one that is strictly clinical.

Not what I expected
I was very dissapointed with this read. The tone and diction for the book came across as overly religious, while the grammar is off-key and at times annoying(exclamation points come early and often). I never questioned the author's sincerity or background on the subject, but found myself putting it down after only a few short sessions. ... Read more

Product Description

A spiritual companion for regaining intimacy, overcoming shame, and achieving lasting peace, Say Yes to Your Sexual Healing offers self-affirming meditations and pearls of wisdom to encourage you on your journey toward healing.

Nationally known addiction and recovery specialist Leo Booth guides you through 365 powerful affirmations to help you turn inward to your spirit for strength, comfort, and acceptance and ultimately emerge from the shadows of shame and back into a fulfilling, peaceful life.

Product Description
As Internet usage has exploded in recent years, so has the prevalence of compulsive online sexual behavior--a problem first addressed five years ago by Patrick Carnes and coauthors of the breakthrough book, In The Shadows of the Net. Updated with the latest information, trends, and developments, the second edition equips readers with specific strategies for recognizing and changing compulsive sexual behaviors. Personal stories reveal how desperate life can become for online sex addicts--divorce, career loss, and financial ruin are common outcomes. More importantly the authors set forth a path for breaking free from compulsive online sexual behavior and sustaining lifelong recovery. ... Read more

Customer Reviews (7)

In the Shadows of the Net
Ensnarled by cybersex? How to release yourself from problematic online sexual behavior. This book shines a hopeful light on the dark side of cyberspace. It is very powerful & comes at a time when there is great need for understanding & healing of cybersex addictions.

excellent
The book gave me and my boyfriend a better understanding of his behavior. Why he couldn't stop the secret dating, and the internet e-mails and porn. Fantasizing about sexual situations, whether the grass was greener somewhere other than with the life he knew.

For me it was very painful to find about his affairs, for him it was something which brought him a lot of shame and misery because he saw how much it hurt me.We are still working through the pain and realizing that it takes a lot of work on an ongoing basis to stay free from the temptations which are so easily available the internet and have the power to destroy a person's life. I highly recommend this book I was able to understand the reason of his compulsive behavior and he understood that he was a sex addict that need it help.

A great "start" book
If you
know someone who is addicted to sex or porn this is a great way to get some idea of what IS going on in their head. It is NOT a cure all book. It explains the flawed thinking that can occur when a person becomes literally as addicted to sex/porn as, say, Tiger Woods.

Poor
A lot of the material comes from another book by Carnes, Out of the Shadows, which is really good.

This book is shows how destructive porn addiction can be. This book does not focus on the addictive nature of lust. 12 step programs are reccomended, but Sexaholics Anonymous is left out. Carnes does not believe in abstinence from lust. He likes the idea of a "healthier" sexuality. There is no mention of how men feed their lust through the eyes, and that online porn is just one source of feeding the addiction. Addicts have to starve their eyes of the drug that feeds the addiction. Then We have to work on our thought life, and not allow lust thoughts to gain ground in our conciousness. This book does not go that deep, because that is not how Carnes deals with lust in any of his books. Just remember,"half measures availed us nothing."

Best in the Business
There is a reason Tiger Woods went to Patrick Carnes when he needed rehabilitation for his sexual addiction.This is a profession work with amazing personal stories by addicts.Having been to Gentle Path myself I can vouch that his approach really works.Head and Shoulders above the competition by a professional with 30 years of experience working with sex addicts and sexaholics. ... Read more

Product Description
This book carefully walks someone struggling with porngraphy through the steps to recovery. Dr. Skinner discusses how pornography becomes a problem in the mind and how it becomes addictive. Then he teaches the reader how to rewrite the patterns in the mind. It closes with the key steps of recovery. Included in the book is a brief assessment tool "Assessing Pornography Addiction." ... Read more

Customer Reviews (16)

Important topic
The continued education and search for additional information is imperative to addiction.
Aaron Bryant: CSAC, BSWAuthorA Synchronous Memoir of Addiction and Recovery

Amazing
This book is amazing, for any women who has a partner struggling with this it is also good for you.

Useful tips, but taking the entirely wrong attitude towards recovery
From someone who has recently stopped smoking through Allen Carr's Easy way to quit smoking, I have an idea of what helped me along that process (or the addiction process in general) and an understanding of things that may not have. I turned to this book because it was specific to quitting pornography.
To start with, Dr. Skinner does a great job of illuminating the "reaction sequence." This little illustration in his book, along with a description of what you feel when facing an addiction, is phenomenal and does help with self awareness. Therefore the first half of the book is down to earth, encouraging and great. And then comes the second half..
He spends most of the second half saying.. You'll fail.. You'll fail and should continue therapy.. It's dam tough, and yeah you'll fail so keep someone close. Absolutely no positivity, I was almost considering resuming my addiction because he made it seem so hopeless [in stark contrast to Allen Carr's optimism which I found inspiring]. In addition, way too much of a moral overtone and help seeking from "God." This is an addiction, I think we have all tried whining to a higher power and it hasn't gotten us far. Jokes aside if you want to have faith great, but he certainly didn't do a good job incorporating that aspect in.

In conclusion, good read, but pick it up if you want to learn more about your addiction, not if you want some inspiration to start or continue your journey.

great for therapy
This book has basic condensed skills that is helpful for treating porn addiction.I like the exercises and the graphs that the client can complete and learn from.It is also a faster way for the theraputic process than the usual psychotherapy.

Very Helpful
I have been in a 12 step program for sexual recovery for years and this
book put things in a new way that was very helpful.Rather than just
depending on a vague higher power there are very concrete tools and processes to use in this book.The author certainly understands pornography addiction thoroughly (unlike most therapists) and talks about it in a way that anypornography addict can relate to.A definite addition to a toolkit to deal with this horrible addiction ... Read more

Product Description

Customer Reviews (15)

Great book for anyone Regardless of Sexuality!
Robert Weiss provides thorough insight and depth of what sex and love addiction is really about and the steps necessary to overcome it.If you want to do something about your sexual/love addiction and you want results, this is the book to get.Unlike other references which seem like reading a textbook, this book is written in a first-person narrative and it is very personal.This book is so good, that I finished reading it in a day!

Minimizes the role that undiagnosed brain conditions play
Okay, well, first please allow me to explain why I, a woman married to a man, am even interested in this book, much less tossing in my two cents worth here. I do it because it could possibly help someone answer some questions about why they do the things they do.(Because I am wholly unqualified to "review" this book per se, I gave it four stars, which seems to be the average.)

For almost ten years, I've volunteered to lead discussion groups in the ADHD community -- for parents of children with ADHD as well asadults with ADHD and their partners. I've met thousands of people with ADHD and am fully aware that it crosses nationalities, socioeconomic backgrounds, genders, and yes, gender orientation.

So, why is it that I've encountered so few gay men in these groups?In the online group that I moderate for partners of adults with ADHD (some 500 members at last count, and international in scope), about 75 percent of the members are women with male partners who have ADHD, 15 percent are men with female partners who have ADHD, and 10 percent are women in same-sex relationships.In seven years, there have been two gay male members.(By the way, I'm in the San Francisco Bay Area, where being gay is regarded as nothing out of the ordinary, so that's not the issue, I'm pretty sure.) Partly, I think, women, in general, are more drawn to discussion/support groups than men are, in general. Hence the lower number of men in the group, period. That said, I also moderate a local face-to-face group, which is almost entirely men.

At the same time, I have enough close gay male friends to know that sometimes it's a matter of feeling a world apart from "het" norms when it comes to sexual mores -- not wanting to be confined, defined, or judged by them. Fair enough.I've never exactly been conventional myself.

Logically, though, there's no reason that ADHD should manifest any less in gay men than it does in straight men.The best estimates indicate that about 4% (extremely conservative) to 16% (more realistic) of the adult population in the U.S. has ADHD.Yet, I wonder if therapists and psychiatrists who specialize in gay male clientele are aware of this.From conversations with my friends, I wonder if there's a sort of "gay cultural overlay" that obscures recognition of ADHD, especially whenthe same patterns that challenge straight men with ADHD appear in gay men. So, I check in with books such as this to see if ADHD is even covered.

Why? What's the connection between ADHD and compulsive or out-of-control sexual behavior?At its core, ADHD is a disorder of dysregulation, of self-control. With key deficits in impulsivity, hyperactivity (which manifests more covertly than commonly thought), and inattention, ADHD affects one's ability to "put on the brakes."It also impairs motivation, initiation, and learning from mistakes.In short, it is not kid's stuff.

For example, teens with untreated ADHD are, as a population, more sexually precocious than their peers, have more sexual partners and more STDS, and are more likely to have unwanted pregnancies. They are also more likely to develop substance abuse disorders.When you talk about "self-medicating" - which is common with untreated ADHD --you're talking about everything from sex to alcohol to food to driving recklessly.The more stimulation, the more calm in the brain that seems to be tuning into too many stations at once.

ADHD is considered THE most highly impairing outpatient condition, moreso than depression or anxiety.Yet, it is also considered highly treatable.Trouble is, only a minimum of one in ten of the adults thought to have it have been diagnosed. And only a fraction of those pursue treatment.Still fewer are receiving good treatment, following clinical protocols.That's why I was alarmed when I read this passage in Cruise Control: "Myth #6: Sex Addiction is a Sign of Some Other Mental Illness"

Who says that is a myth? Where is this author's research?The author gives only one paragraph, with very short shrift, to the role that both bi-polar disorder and ADHD can play in sexual addiction -- and then further minimizes ADHD by saying: "When their emotional state is stabilized with proper therapy and medication, their hypersexual behaviors usually disappear."

The problem:Most people are misinformed about what ADHD is -- and isn't.Particularly, most have no idea that is it associated with so-called paraphilias.Moreover, it's not as easily treated as the author suggests, especiallywhen decades of living without benefit of diagnosis has resulted in a ton of poor coping skills, possibly including "self-medicating" with sex and bugging out of a relationship the minute that the novelty has faded.

To be clear: ADHD is a syndrome, and it includes a wide range of behaviors. It is not a "one size fits all" condition. Some men with ADHD find the "reality" of sex much more boring than the "thinking about it" -- and tend to be almost assexual, especially if in a long-term relationship. But it must be said that ADHD can definitely createproblems in maintaining stable relationships instead of beingdrawn to the "next shiny object" and stimulating source of sexual stimulation. I hope that's clear, and sorry I'm going on so long.But I think it's important.

Granted, I am NOT an expert in sexual addiction, and there are many issues in this book that are out of my ken. I would not presume otherwise. But I am enough of an expert on ADHD to know that this paragraph (from the next page) shows a profound lack of understanding about how much this closely describes how ADHD manifests in problematic sexual behavior:

"A sex addict's patterns of sexual behavior are characterized by lack of control. While a nonaddicted individual can quickly see how his behavior causes problems or has the potential to do so, the sex addict continues despite the risks. He has likely experienced trouble in his life as a consequence of his sexual activities, and he is just as likely to have downplayed his troubles, even if they have brought him or others physical or emotional harm.

"He appears unable or unwilling to place boundaries around sex even when those limits would keep him and/or others safe from the possibility of physical or legal jeopardy. The amount of sex he has, the physical intensity of the sex act, and the time he spends having sex or in the search for sex often exceed what he intended, though he will often vigorously defend his activities. Unlikely healthy people who self-correct if realize (sic) they have chosen a sexually inappropriate or sexually excessive behavior, the sex addict will often return to that same behavior or worse."

My point is:If you try the strategies in this book and they don't work for you -- or work only for a while -- and if you think you might possibly have ADHD, it's well worth getting it checked out by a competent clinician.Not always easy to find, mind you, so get educated first before you even begin to look for one.

Well, I hope this is useful to someone.

A good guide to understand what is happening with you...or your partner!
This is probably the most sincere, scientific, experimental and holistic guide to all those affected by the Sex Addiction and Love addiction.

It begins with a test to decide if you are "in" this circle or "out", it describes the problem with solid examples and it explains the reason to fall into this addiction without falling in mannierisms nor moralisms... It really helps you to understand your reactions and has some sort of practical agenda to write your experiencies and set your goals for recovery.

To sum up, after "out of the Shadows", which I had the opportunity to read at a friend' s house in Paris, and in which it is inspired, "Cruise Control" is THE BOOK gay men expected to have in their area, and so their partners or family affected by their behaviour.

Probably, the most worked out issue is to separate the weak boundarie often mixed up between the gay feedom for sex and the obsesion for having it at any time, and at any price.

Understanding Sexual Compulsion
Weiss, Robert. "Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men", Alyson Books, 2005.

Understanding Sexual Compulsion

Amos Lassen

Robert Weiss looks at the ways in which gay men go about finding sexual expression. He uses the clinical approach as he explores whether sexual behavior causes problems in other areas of our lives and helps us to see the difference between sexual compulsion and non-addictive sexual behavior. He also gives us resources for recovery.
This is a book that is written expressly for gay men. If read properly it can show the way to a full life with healthy sexual practices. Many in the gay community suffer from a sense of sexual addiction and many times we act on impulse. Some of us are not even aware that we have an addiction to sex and Weiss shows us how to know we indeed are addicted. Spending more time cruising than doing anything else is a sign of that trend.
Weiss looks at the gay lifestyle from various perspectives and he does not judge.We do not usually talk about sexual addiction so for Weiss to write a book about it is a help to the way we live. By reading this we can better understand what is happening to us and why we spend so much time looking for the prefect partner (who will probably be a stepping stone to the next perfect partner). Many of us are unable to deal with our sexual feelings competently but here is a way to find the road to recovery. Using examples of both appropriate and inappropriate behavior, Weiss shows us what signs to look for and how to deal.

Cruise Control
Being that I am a gay man in SA; a sex addiction recovery program as well as having over 20 yrs sobriety in AA I am no slouch in terms of recognizing when something this informative and compelling arrives on the scene. I found this book to cover most of the tools and information that I have gleaned over the years in one concise presentation, I like the way that it is presentled in a non-pretentious sort of way that I occasionally find in this type of book, where someone writes about that which they have no personal experience. Thank you for inspiring presentation. ... Read more