| Wiggie's Late Night Recap (#77) May 16, 2001 **Showfo Guests: (1) Charlie Sheen (http://us.imdb.com/Name?Sheen,+Charlie) (2) Jessica Alba (http://us.imdb.com/Name?Alba,+Jessica) (3) Comedian: Laura Kightlinger (http://us.imdb.com/Name?Kightlinger,+Laura) Skits: (1) Late Night's Guide to Celebrity Parenthood (2) Staring Contest (Charlie and Conan) "Quotes": -Conan: "She's like the Yankees, of O" -Charlie Sheen: "Nothing, nothing" (over and over again) -Conan: (about Slash) "Was he wearing the tophat?" -Conan: "When Slash is sitting you down and telling you it's too much..." -Conan: "He came in, you were face down in a McFlurry" -Conan: "I also believe that America is a fine country" -Conan: "The hair is, of course, different" Alba: "Yeah...it's red" Crowd Member: "Yeah!! Marry Me!!" Conan: "Chances of that working: 1 in a thousand" -Conan: "They paint me before the show, I'm that sickly looking" -Conan (about Kathie Lee coming on the show): "Does she even realize what show she's coming on? I'm wearing a facemask for that one." Questions: -Have you ever done *that* before? -What's your opinion on movies with monkies in them? You may not answer with "I go ape for them". -Chunky or smooth? -Flavoured, or just buttered? **Wiggie's Corner -So...yeah. I don't know why I even have this section of the recap anymore...other than I like including "Wiggie" into the recap as much as possible. -I'd ask the lot of you what your opinion on Rick Mercer is, but I'm assuming most of you wouldn't know who he is. **Monologue -Tonight's show will be..."a show worthy of those stupid noises...such a good show tonight." Joke 1: Historical News #1: Last night, Massachusetts Governor Jane Swift, became the first U.S. Governor ever, to give birth to twins, while in office...coincidently, 15 years ago in Arkansas, Bill Clinton became the first Governor to sleep with twins. -...'cause he likes the twinnage boobies... Joke 2: Sad News #1: The Surpreme Court ruled this week, that smoking marijuana is illegal in the US, no matter what the circumstances...apparently, the decision was handed down in the case of "The US vs. Cheech and Chong". -...'cause those dudes smoked a lot of pot. -Polite laughter...always the best response. Joke 3: True Health News #1: According to new government data, 1 out every 5 adults in the United States, needs cholestoral lowering drugs...critics say americans don't really need the drugs, they're just trying to look vice-presidential. -...'cause that Cheney could die at any time, and that's really damn funny. Joke 4: Celebrity News #1: It was reported today, that Brad Pitt is coming out with his own line of clothing...actually it's not really a line of clothing, it's just a bunch of t-shirts that say "I'm banging Jennifer Aniston" -...'cause he's banging Jennifer Aniston and thus, he can do that. -Charlie Sheen, eh? That's heavy. **O'DeskTime -He raises his mug, for Max, and the fellahs. -A 6 hours + long Late Night would be scary and rambly... -The audience laughs at the idea that his monologue jokes are good. -The audience laughs at the fact that Oprah has a magazine named "O". -Wow...those magazines look thick...that's a lot of O. -Conan: "She's like the Yankees, of O" -It gets more disturbing, the more Oprah he shows. It just keeps on getting more Oprah...that's a rather huge leap in vanity, even for Oprah... -Conan puts his foot down, on too much Oprah. -The idea of Conan on "O"s cover, is desk standingly good. -This going to be another one of those "Dirty Dancing" things? **Late Night's Guide to Celebrity Parenthood -Much breast feedage going on, with a Fabio breast feeding peep show given to us. -Poor Tony Randall...he's almost in a child-stage now. -Most of my nightmares as a child didn't involve a guy in a rubber monster mask. -Celebrity babies always dream about limos. -having your bodyguard tazer your new friends, is always an icebreaker. -So, I'm assuming Brian McCann assumes celebrities sound like morons, by way of his impression... -Human fertilization is a complex process...but celebrity fertilization is much, much more confusing...it involves, homosexuality, cocaine, scientology, and after-parties. -Ah, the return of 9 month old, Dylan Douglas...and he breaks out the old "I suck on Zeta-Jones' titties" stuff... -He's keeping a diary so he can remember when he's older: "Note to self: remember those fine, fine, titties" -are the NBC surprise events worth watching NBC over any other programming for? -Late Night's rating stunt? Pender blows his mind out. **Charlie Sheen -He always somewhat looks like he's not of this Earth... -He's "miffed" with MacDonalds. -Charlie gives an incredibly detailed description of McFlurries. -They gave him nothing for his ringing endorsement of McFlurries. -Regis has a MacDonald's "red card"...a lifetime free pass for MacDonald's food. -Conan disses the McShaker salad. -Conan loves his desert taco from Taco Bell. He *dogheads* it even. -I need to sell advertising on these recaps...the internet market is still good, right? -Sheen has cleaned up his act? Dang, what fun is that? -He hangs out with 'rock and rollers', such as Slash, whom is a good friend of his. -Slash..friend of humanity. -Sheen leads a very boring life. -His cats' names are "Spooky" and "Paws" -his cats took over his life, and contribute nothing. -People cheer the fact that Conan has a dog. -Conan disses cats as loveless. -Sheen stares at Conan with incredible intensity... -Charlie is "downsizing". -Ebay jokes are slowly getting less and less reaction... -Let's give it up, for Charlie Sheen's baseball cards. -He wants people to "Watch the West Wing"...he feels bad for his Dad... -Conan: "You have a bone to pick with me" Sheen: "Sure" -Charlie misses the Staring Contests...and challenges him to one. -I couldn't take his creepy glare for too long... **Staring Contest (Charlie and Conan) -I haven't heard people pissed off at bringing this back yet on the newsgroup...I'm surprised...or has everyone just gave up caring... -Distraction #1: Buring Sheen's baseball card -Distraction #2: Andy Blitz flashing Sheen with Martin Sheen's face, on his crotch. -Distraction #3: Ronald MacDonald giving him the finger. -Wow, Sheen loses easily. -MacDonald's doesn't mind it when they do that? **Jessica Alba -Little candies, with Conan's face on them. -Conan: "The hair is, of course, different" Alba: "Yeah...it's red" Crowd Member: "Yeah!! Marry Me!!" Conan: "Chances of that working: 1 in a thousand" -That guy can now go home and cry to sleep that his incredible plan to get Alba to marry him, has sadly failed. That or brag to his buddies down at the local bar. "I yelled on tv!" -Having red hair either makes you "spicy"...or "a freak". -Conan: "They paint me before the show, I'm that sickly looking" -Conan has a Playboy behind his desk. Alba notices it and makes him show it. Things to do during commercial breaks. -Conan: "Well look, you have stacks of O Magazine behind your chair!" -Is hair colour changing that dramatic a change in someone's life? When I did it, the only thing it did was make me look, somehow, even more stupid. -She's engaged...which gets booed...nice... -Alba (about her birthday): "I'm all alone in my hotel room..." Conan: "Oh my God...you should have called me..." -She was on Flipper...as you can find out easily using that pointless IMdB link that I now include with the guest list... -Dolphin lovers are going to be mad at Conan now...but I won't say why. -She hates cats too. -They "talk dog"...which makes me "tune out". -Not only does she have a dog, she has a powerful, stupid, dog. -Yay for online game shows. -Kathie Lee being on the show is going to be "very interesting"...hopefully Freakbots countdown won't be to a Kathie Lee asskissing like I fear... -Hopefully if he *is* rude to her...that it doesn't scare away any and all potential guests who's name doesn't end with "Roker". **Comedian: Laura Kightlinger -...when we come back to Conan after Kightlinger's set, he says "ppht...what happened there?"...I'm going out on a limb here...mind you, this is just speculation...but I'd say it involved some sort Charlie Sheen stealing an audience member's McFlurry incident. -Brian wiggie@inorbit.com | |
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